Updated: Aug 5, 2019
Before you can re-write your story, it is essential to first come to grips with your shame. Shame is at the core of every divorce, shame is virtually impossible to avoid. Your shame is buried within you and it hides in the crevasses of your very being. Shame is a secretive judgmental emotion that is highly self-destructive to your happiness, hope and fulfillment. Shame will keep you shackled and trapped.
To understand shame better first I want to shed light on the differences between guilt and shame. Berné Brown the best-known shame researcher, states that although shame and guilt may seem similar they are not. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, and aggression, violence bullying suicide and eating disorders. Yet, guilt inversely correlates with these very things. Guilt causes the opposite reaction of shame. Guilt is feeling responsibility when you have done something wrong, you feel bad, this builds moral consciences. Rather shame is an overall sense that you are innately bad, a bad person, a selfish person, a failure and so forth.
Being able to identify your Divorce Shame is essential for your healing. The reality is you have shame it’s a natural human thought process, but you don’t have to stay in your shame or get lost in your shame.
Shame is the judgment of self or the fear of judgment from others, it’s the fear of being told that you are innately bad or wrong. Shame is the belief that you should be better you shouldn’t have failed your marriage. If you find that you are hard on yourself, and you view your separation as a failure, or you are afraid of how your divorce makes you look. Shame is running the show.
Here are Divorce Shame Statements:
It’s my fault
I’m so stupid
I’m such a disappointment
I’m a failure
I’m an embarrassment
I’m a loser
No one will want me
The way shame stays alive is when it is kept as a dark secret. If you internalize and bury your shame these feelings will expand. This silenced secret will fester and grow consuming your very existence.
Sharing your emotions and your dark secret begin to free your from shame. When you share the shame the story no longer owns you, you own the story and then you can rewrite the ending.
Re-write your ending. Share with anyone that is on your team, the people who you know have your back.